I'll be There For You
by Residentfangirl1997
Summary: Dan and Phil have been happily dating for 3 years, but one devastating diagnosis could change everything. They will have to rely on friends, family, and each other to make it through Phil's cancer. Mixture of angst and fluff. No trigger warnings.
1. Chapter 1

**Phil's POV**

I had been out all day and was dying to get home. Images of the warm flat and my comfy bed swirled in front of me as I made my way out of the train station. I picked up my pace as soon as I saw the flat in the distance and practically ran up the stairs. I let out a small sigh as I let myself in and kicked off my shoes, stretching out my sore feet. I started creeping quietly to my room when I heard a faint "Phil? Is that you?" I made a face as I altered my course to the living room. I was hoping not to wake him up but, as always, Dan wouldn't go to sleep until he knew I was home. As I turned the corner I saw Dan sleepily rubbing his eyes as he sat up on the couch. I smiled at how cute he looked when he was tired before walking over to him and kissing him, our lips fitting perfectly together.

Dan and I had been living together for 5 years but had been dating for 3 of those years. We are both youtubers and have decided it was best to keep our relationship a secret. Everything was going great. I had never been happier and I think Dan felt the same, but I could never really be sure because I'm not in his head. If I was, my life would be so much easier.

"Dan, why are you still up?" I asked, pulling our lips apart.

"I was waiting for you to come home and I guess I just passed out on the couch." I rolled my eyes. That was such a typical Dan thing to do. I swear he slept on the couch more often than he did in his own bed!

"Alright, well why don't we go to sleep? I'm exhausted and I can tell you are too. We can sleep in my bed tonight." Dan suddenly jumped up excitedly and grabbed my hand to pull me into the bedroom. He loves it when we sleep in my room because he thinks I have a better bed but I secretly enjoy his room more because it smells like him. I got ready as quickly as I could and by the time I turned off all the lights, Dan was already fast asleep on his side of the bed. I crawled in and snuggled up to him, draping my arm protectively over his body before falling into a deep sleep where I dreamt of nothing but Dan.

**Dan's POV**

I woke up lazily the next morning, vaguely aware of Phil pressed up against my body. I laid there feeling his warmth and watching his chest rise and fall rhythmically for a few minutes before rolling over to check the time. It was only 9 in the morning but I yawned and slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping boyfriend. I sat on the couch and flicked through some channels before settling on a cooking show and going on the internet. I had just posted a new video yesterday so I was curious to see what kind of comments everybody was leaving me. As always I got comments asking why Phil wasn't in more of my videos and the typical haters, but people seemed generally pleased with this video. I smiled and remembered that Phil and I were supposed to film a new gaming video for our channel today, but we could do that later.

I walked to the kitchen and poured myself some cereal, sighing as I closed every cabinet door yet again. I have to find some way to condition Phil to close them himself. I loved that boy more than anything but sometimes he drove me insane. I made tea for both of us and brought Phil's cup into his bedroom and put it on his nightstand. I decided to go into town and do some grocery shopping so I quickly wrote a note in case Phil woke up and slipped out the door.

I was gone for a good couple of hours because I got sidetracked in the gaming store but now I had some new games for Phil and I to play for our gaming channel and began the walk home. I checked my phone every couple of minutes to see if Phil had texted me because he usually would have by now. I looked at the time and frowned. It was 2:30, what was he doing? I made my way back to the flat quickly and dropped off the bags in the front room before checking Phil's room. I knocked but there was no answer so I walked in. He was still sleeping peacefully in bed, but this was really late, even for him.

I shook him gently until his eyes flickered open. I chuckled. "Good morning sleepy head. You aren't supposed to sleep the whole day away! We have a video to film."

"But Dan I'm so tireeddd" He whined, burying his face back into the pillow. I frowned and yanked the covers off of him.

"It's almost 3 in the afternoon Phil, you need to get up now." I made my voice stern but I was getting a little bit worried about him. He had been acting strange for a few weeks. He slept all the time and has barely eaten anything.

**Phil's POV**

I knew Dan was right but I still didn't want to move. I didn't want to worry him, though, so I forced myself to stand. "I'm gonna go shower real quick and then we can film!" I tried to sound cheerful but I knew he wasn't buying it. I walked quickly to the bathroom and shut the door before he could say anything else. I sighed, leaning against the door of the shower, and turned the water on. I felt infinitely better as the water washed over me, but I still knew something was wrong. I hadn't felt very well for a while now but I didn't want to tell Dan because I knew he would make me go to A&E and I definitely did not want that.

"Phil? Are you almost ready? We're gonna play more Sims 4!" His voice broke into my thoughts and I smiled as I turned the water off and got ready. After straightening my hair I walked out of my room and bear tackled Dan, who let out a surprised yelp before laughing and pulling me into his arms.

We sat in the same position for a minute, until I grabbed his face and planted a slobbery kiss onto his cheek. "Ew gross, Phil!" He laughed, rubbing vigorously at his cheek to get off all my spit. I got off of him and took my place on the couch while he started the camera. It took us almost an hour to film the video because we were constantly having to pause the game until we could overcome our fits of laughter. I swear, every time I looked at Dan I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. I didn't think that was possible.

When we finally said goodbye to our viewers and stopped the video I was unbelievably tired. Dan must have noticed because he said "Hey, I'll go edit this if you want. Can you order some take out?" I was relieved that I wasn't going to be in charge of the editing process and gladly called in our order.

Later that night we were both sitting on the couch watching a movie and eating dinner when Dan turned to me.

"You know I love you, right." He asked, tears forming behind his eyes.

I immediately paused the movie and looked at him, incredulous. "Of course I know that, bear! I love you too. Why are you crying?" I put my food on the table and pulled him close to me so that his head was resting on my chest.

"I just- I don't know" Dan choked, burying his face into my shirt. "You haven't been yourself lately and I feel like I did something wrong or that we are drifting apart and I couldn't stand losing my lion and-" I cut him off, kissing his lips. I didn't realize he was worried about me, and I felt a pang of guilt.

"Do you hear my heartbeat?" I asked, resting his head back onto my chest. "It beats for you. Only you, Dan. I am completely and utterly in love with you and I have been since the moment I saw you. You are my everything and you will never lose me." I could feel him smiling and then he sniffled once, composing himself.

"Alright" I clapped my hands, pushing him back to a sitting position. "Let's get your butt off this couch and go do something productive!" I heard an audible groan as he stood up. I took his hand and forced him to the kitchen. We stood there in awe of how much of an absolute wreck it was and I turned to face Dan. "I think you'll feel much better once this is cleaned up." I reached for a mug to start washing but I felt Dan's hand on my shoulder and he quickly snatched it from my hand.

"You will not be touching any of the good dishes, butterfingers. I would like to still actually have things left in the kitchen once we finish here." Dan smirked, turning on the water. I stuck my tongue out at him before handing him a plate and putting a bowl back in the cabinet. "Phil-" Dan started, eyeing me with disdain. "I know you are going to fucking close that door, right?" He tried to look mad but I could see the smile playing on the ends of his lips. I smiled slightly and made a show of closing the cabinet. I kissed him and told him I was going to sleep. I barely made it to the bed before falling asleep on Dan's side of the bed.

**Dan's POV**

The next morning, I woke up in my own bed, feeling lonely without Phil. I went into his room last night but he was already asleep and spread out along the entire bed so I decided not to move him. I slowly stood up, trying not to lose my balance and slowly made my way to Phil's room. I poked my head around the door and was surprised to find him already out of bed. I found a note in the kitchen and recognized the handwriting immediately.

_Dan,_

_I just stepped out for a few minutes to take a walk. I need the fresh air! I love you, I'll bring home some Starbucks. _

_Phil xx_

I smiled and flopped down on the couch, waiting for my coffee to arrive. I felt my phone vibrating and quickly grabbed it off the table, hoping it was Phil.

"Hey Dan! Do you and Phil want to come over and hang out with Chris and I?"

It was PJ. I got out of my messages and clicked the phone icon.

"Hello?" I heard Phil's voice. He sounded out of breath. He must have been walking pretty quickly. I chuckled at the thought of Phil exercising before I answered.

"Hey! PJ just texted me asking if we wanted to come over. I haven't responded yet because I wanted to see what you were up to! Do you wanna go? I could use some fantastic foursome time." I was silently praying he would say yes, or at least let me go without him.

"Umm I'm really not feeling like seeing anyone right now, Dan, but I think you should still go over! I'm almost home so I guess I'll catch up with you later?" He seemed perfectly fine with staying home so I didn't question him.

"Okay! Are you sure you don't wanna come? It'll be fun!" I taunted him, hoping he would change his mind.

"Nah, I'm sure. Love you, see you soon." I heard a click and knew he hung up on me. I shot PJ a text saying I was on my way over and bounded down the stairs, excited to see my friends.

**Phil's POV**

I was actually quite glad that Dan decided to go to PJ's without me. I really wasn't feeling well and the last thing I wanted was Dan fussing over me. I sat in Starbucks for a while to make sure Dan was gone before walking home. I wasn't even moving very fast but I was running out of breath incredibly quickly. I attributed it to my poor exercise habits and made a mental note to start working out more. I knew it wouldn't happen but it's the thought that counts. When I was safely back in my flat I grabbed Dan's cereal from the cupboard and began eating it straight from the bag as I settled in to watch some Buffy. A few hours later I heard my phone buzzing in the other room and got up to check who it was. I only made it a couple steps before getting dizzy and grabbing onto the sofa for support. I shook my head to try and clear away the fuzz but black dots were starting to take over my vision and I collapsed onto the floor. I woke up a few minutes later and attempted to crawl to the phone to call for help but the darkness pulled me back under and I was powerless to fight against it.

**Dan's POV**

When I got to Chris and PJ's place they were in the middle of filming a video so I jumped in halfway through. We laughed and joked for an hour trying to finish the video and when we finally did I flopped onto his bed, clutching my sides to try and stop my laughter.

"That was great, guys! Do you wanna play some video games?" I asked, eyeing the Xbox.

"Sure!" Chris said, smiling widely at the thought. "Why didn't Phil come? He would have had so much fun!"

I sighed. "I don't know actually. Phil hasn't been acting himself lately. He never wants to do anything anymore and he's always so tired! I'm probably overreacting but I wish he would talk to me."

PJ placed his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure he's fine, Dan. Let's go play Sonic, that'll definitely get your mind off of it!"

I knew he was right but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. After about an hour of playing video games I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I called Phil to check in on him.

"Come on, pick up. Please pick up." I cursed when the phone went to voicemail. I don't know why, but in that moment I knew everything was not okay.

I walked back to the lounge and said goodbye to Chris and PJ, making up an excuse about Phil getting sick. "I hope he's okay!" Chris called as I walked out the door.

So do I Chris. So do I.

I walked as briskly as I could back to our flat as it was now getting dark outside. As I opened the door I heard Buffy playing on the TV. I sighed internally, preparing myself for yet another night of endless Buffy episodes. Don't get me wrong, I loved the show, but I couldn't watch it as much as Phil always wanted to. But this meant that Phil was safe and I was worrying for nothing. I stepped inside and looked around. "Phil?" I called, not seeing him on the couch. As I turned the corner to check his room, I let out a small shriek as I took in the sight I hoped to never have to see.

The black-haired boy that I was so incredibly in love with was on the floor in a heap, motionless. I ran over to him and fell to the floor, desperately looking for any signs of life.

"Phil?" I screamed, tears forming in my eyes. I tried to blink them back but to no avail. "Phil dammit wake up! I need you. Please."

As I rubbed my hand over his face I instantly knew why he had collapsed. He was burning up. I had never felt anyone with a fever that high before. But he was breathing. I felt relief wash over me for a moment before I remembered that Phil was still in no way alright. I pulled him into my lap and took out my phone, punching in 999 as quickly as my shaking fingers would allow.

After I hung up I threw the phone down and gently caressed Phil's face, leaning in to kiss his soft lips. I prayed this would not be the last time I would get to kiss him, but I savored it as if it would be.

A couple minutes later the paramedics were storming the apartment, assessing the situation. "In here!" I called, still holding Phil close to me. They started fussing about, asking me all sorts of questions I was not prepared to answer. I let the tears flow freely as I watched them take Phil away on the stretcher. I wasted no time running out the door and following them to the hospital.

When I saw the looming building I paused, gathering the courage to walk in there. What if Phil died on the way to the hospital? What if he's in a coma and will never wake up? I began to panic and my head felt dizzy. I squatted on the floor and held my head in my hands.

"You alright mate?" I looked up to see an older man around 40 staring at me with concern.

"Yes- Actually no, I'm not alright. My boyfriend was just taken to the hospital and I don't know if he's okay or if he's dead and I'm such a massive fuck up that I can't even bring myself to walk through the doors to figure it out." At this point I was crying again and the man reached down to help me up. I tried smiling at him but it was so fake I gave up and let my face fall again.

"Kid, I'm really sorry about your friend, but I think you need to go check on him. I'm going that way too if you want to walk with me. My wife has been in the hospital for 2 weeks but she finally gets to come home today!" He smiled widely and I couldn't help but feel happy for him.

"Aww that's great!" I beamed. "I'm Dan, by the way."

"Charlie"

We walked in silence the rest of the way into the hospital. I reached the desk and immediately felt the panic surging through me again.

"Can I help you?" The receptionist looked at me expectantly.

"I, uhh, I'm-" I stopped, not being able to say anything more.

"This young man is looking for a friend who was just brought here. His name is-" Charlie cut in, saving me.

"Phil" I choked out. "Philip Lester"

"One minute dear, let me check the computer." The receptionist turned away from us and I gave Charlie a grateful smile.

"So I never asked, why is your wife in the hospital?" After all he had done for me, I felt so bad that I hadn't once asked about his wife.

"Cancer. She has a brain tumor and it's getting pretty bad. Sometimes I'm so worried that every moment I see her will be my last." He shook his head sadly, looking at the floor.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry Charlie." I didn't know what else to say. Luckily, the receptionist saved me by turning back to us.

"Phil came in pretty unstable with a dangerously high fever but they managed to stabilize him and he is now in room 612."

I almost cried with relief when she said that he was okay and turned to Charlie.

"I have to go see him now, but it was great meeting you! I hope your wife gets better, I'm happy you're taking her home." I smiled at him and he grinned back.

"Thank you Dan. Best of luck to you and your friend!"

I called the elevator and waited for it to reach level 6. It felt like forever when the doors finally slid open, revealing a large ward with rooms on both sides. If I was actually paying attention I might have seen the sign saying "Oncology Unit", but I was too busy focusing on how to find Phil.

I counted the rooms as I passed by them, eagerly looking for room 12. I didn't even bother knocking before I walked in, my heart shattering when I saw Phil in the bed. He looked so small and frail, his hair sticking messily to his face and prominent bags showing under his eyes. I walked slowly up to his bed and grabbed his hand, bringing it up to my lips and closing my eyes as I breathed in Phil's scent. I felt a small squeeze and opened my eyes to find Phil looking up at me, his blue eyes vibrant against his pale skin. I felt the tears coming again.

**Phil's POV**

The first thing I noticed was the pain. My head was throbbing and my throat was dry, but the second thing I noticed made all of the pain go away. I felt a hand warming mine, and I knew it was Dan's before I even opened my eyes. I slowly flickered them open, wincing as they adjusted to the light. I turned my head to see Dan crying as he held my hand. His brown hair was hanging in front of his eyes and he looked so distraught. He didn't notice me looking at him so I used all my effort to squeeze his hand. His head snapped up and I looked into his chocolate eyes, red from crying.

"Hey Phil!" Dan sniffed as he wiped his eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Amazing now that you're here!"

"They don't call you amazingphil for nothing now do they?" I grinned widely and scooted over, patting the bed to get him to sit next to me. He moved and I laid my head on his shoulder.

"Do they know what's wrong with me?" I whispered quietly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"I have no idea." Dan sighed. "They haven't told me anything yet. I can go ask if you want." I shook my head vigorously.

"Let's just stay here for a bit, yeah?" He nodded and I snuggled closer to him, falling asleep.

When I woke up it was morning and there was a man in a white coat standing in front of me, whispering quietly with Dan. They both noticed me stirring and the man cleared his throat.

"Hello Phil, my name is Dr. Johnson and I've been the one looking after you. I'm afraid your labs came back with a few worrisome results, but we have to do some more tests to be sure. I'm sorry but we're going to have to keep you until all of the tests are complete." I could tell Dan had already been told all of this because he was just watching me, trying to gauge my reaction. I just nodded, feeling disappointed that I would have to spend one more minute in this room.

"Do you know what it is yet?" I asked, feeling frustrated that nobody was being totally honest with me.

"We don't want to worry you unless there is actually something to worry about so I'm just going to quickly run the tests I need to and then get back to you." I held Dan's hand as he took the samples he needed and breathed a sigh of relief when he left. I turned to Dan, watching his expression turn sour.

"Do you wanna see what kind of movies this place has?" I smiled, trying to lighten the mood, but Dan was having none of it.

"I don't care about the fucking movies Phil, okay? I just want to know what is wrong with you so we can fix it and get on with our lives." I stared at him blankly, trying to think of a response that would make him feel better. When I came up with nothing he walked back over to me and curled up on the bed again. "I'm so sorry babe, I'm just feeling a bit stressed. Let's watch a movie."

I don't know how long we were sitting in bed after that watching movies but suddenly the door swung open and Dr. Johnson came back in with a small group of other doctors flanking him. I suddenly felt cold, as if I knew what was coming. Dan sat up stiffly, waiting for the news.

"Alright Phil, here's what we've found. You have abnormal blood counts consistent with leukemia. I am so sorry but you have cancer."

I felt a surprising release of tension in my body at his words. It wasn't good news but I finally had a reason for how poorly I had been feeling recently. There was a name for the silent killer taking over my body.

I have leukemia.

**Dan's POV**

"You have abnormal blood counts consistent with leukemia. I am so sorry but you have cancer."

My heart dropped through the floor and the world began spinning around me. Phil. My Phil. The reason for me getting up in the morning. My lion... has cancer. It didn't seem possible to me. I felt such a mix of emotions in that moment I was unable to speak.

"How- how bad is it?" Phil asked, seeming surprisingly calm about the whole thing.

"You have acute leukemia, which is why the disease progressed so fast. There is a pretty good chance of curing it, or at least putting you into remission for a while, and then we can try other therapies and treatments to prevent it from coming back. For now, I would just like to develop a plan with you for treatment. Is that okay?"

Phil and I both nodded. I reached over with my shaking hand and grabbed his, holding it close to my heart before kissing it. We listened to the doctors rambling on about treatments and future appointments and how our life is about to drastically change for 45 minutes. I was barely paying attention, though, and missed most of what they were saying. I couldn't stop thinking about Phil. He was too perfect for this to happen to him. He had never done anything bad to anybody. The boy still cries when I kill the bugs in the house for fuck's sake. If anybody deserves a happy, pain free life it would be Phil, but the world doesn't work that way and now my boyfriend is dying and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

They let me take Phil home that night, as long as I promised to bring him back for his first treatment in a couple days and give him all of his meds on time. I tried protesting because I wanted the treatments to start as soon as possible, but one look at Phil shut me up. He looked so exhausted and I knew we should go back home for a bit first.

I helped Phil inside and we walked to the couch. He laid down and I carried in the duvet from my bed for him to snuggle up in. I asked if he wanted to watch TV but he shook his head.

"Dan we need to tell my parents. And PJ. And Chris." His eyes starting welling up and I knew I had to be his strength, his rock, no matter how much I wanted to break down.

"I can call them if you want." I offered, picking up his phone.

"No," he shook his head, "I think I should call them. They would want to hear it from me." I nodded and handed him his phone, watching him punch in his mum's cell number. After a few rings I heard her answer. I started getting nervous.

"Hello? Phil? Are you there?" Phil kept opening and closing his mouth, trying to speak. I knew he wouldn't be able to get it together long enough to talk to them so I gently took the phone out of his hands and held it up to my ear instead.

"Mrs. Lester? Hi, it's Dan."

"Oh hello Dan! How are you sweetie?"

"I'm fine, but that's not what I'm calling you about. It's about Phil." I heard her take in a sharp breath.

"He's okay isn't he?" She asked, her voice suddenly shaking.

"No, he's not okay. Phil has leukemia. We found out this morning. I thought you should know." She was audibly crying now and I was finding it increasingly difficult to hold in my own sobs.

"Can I- Is Phil there? Can I talk to him?" I looked over at Phil, who was shaking his head vigorously.

"Actually, Phil is sleeping right now and I don't want to wake him, but I'll have him give you a call later, yeah?"

"I guess so. Thank you for calling Dan, I really appreciate it. Take care of my boy for me." Her voice broke and I nodded before realizing that she couldn't see me.

"Of course Mrs. Lester. I always do." I hung up and called Chris next.

After Chris informed me that him and PJ were going to be dropping by the next day, I excused myself to go into the hall. At this point my emotions were getting the best of me and I couldn't hold it back anymore. I cried and cried until my body had no tears left and I was physically exhausted. I felt a hand touch my shoulder and Phil slid down the wall to sit next to me.

"Hey, it's okay Dan. Shhh it'll all be fine." He held me in his arms and rubbed circles on my back. I kicked myself internally for falling apart with him here but I didn't have the energy to stop it.

I tried to believe him that everything was going to work out but I just couldn't. "How do you know?" I whispered, breathing in the scent of his cat shirt.

"Because you and me are soul mates and soul mates can get through anything, as long as they do it together. My cancer is just a blip on our radar and in 10 years we'll be able to look back on this time and realize it only brought us closer together." He kissed my head and stood up, helping me up along the way.

As I turned to look at him, a thought suddenly occurred to me, making me frown. "How long were you feeling poorly before today?"

He tensed up at the question. "What do you mean?"

"You clearly didn't just suddenly feel bad one minute and pass out with the degree fever you had. You must've not felt well for a bit before."

He paused, presumably trying to come up with something to say. He gave up on finding an excuse after a few seconds. "A little over a month." He said in defeat. I stared at him with anger brewing in the pit of my stomach.

"Are you kidding me Phil? You've been feeling poorly for OVER A MONTH and never thought it was a good idea to tell your BOYFRIEND?" I was properly pissed at this point.

"I didn't want you to worry." He said in such a small voice I barely heard him.

"Didn't want me to worry? You have god damn CANCER Phil. I AM worrying! If you would've not been a fucking prick about it and told me last month maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point!" I knew that probably wasn't true, but I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying, I was just expressing my discontent with the whole situation.

"Come back inside Dan and we can talk about it there." He grabbed my arm to lead me through the door but I pulled back.

"I have to call one more person first, okay? Then I'll be in." He nodded and closed the door behind him, leaving me alone in the hall. I dialed the number I needed and held it close to my ear, hoping she would pick up.

I heard shuffling on the other end and then "Dan?"

I sighed with relief. "Mum."

"You alright Danny?"

"Yep-" I started to choke, "Er- Actually no mum. I'm not okay and I really need to talk to you."

"Come on sweetie what is it? You can tell me anything."

"Phil. He has cancer and I don't know what to do!" I heard my mom breathing heavily through the phone and I could tell she was trying to stay composed for me.

"Oh my god Dan. Does his mother know?"

"Yeah I called her before calling you."

"Good, good. Is he getting treatment?"

"Yes but I don't know how to do this mum. I know I have to stay strong for him but I don't think I can. I'm falling apart!" I let out a choked sob.

"Listen to me Daniel. You are stronger than this. I know right now it might not feel like it, but you and Phil are going to get through this and you are going to love him just as much as you do now. He needs you more than even he realizes but you can only do so much. If you have to cry, let it out. Nobody will blame you. I'm so sorry this has happened but if I believe in anyone, I believe in you. I love you Danny." I let out a shaky breath. She always knew how to make me feel better.

"Thanks mum I'm glad I called. I better get back to Phil. I love you and I'll call with any news." I hung up the phone and prepared myself to face Phil. I wiped the tears from my face and smoothed my hair. As I pushed open the door I heard Phil talking to someone. I didn't want to eavesdrop but I heard him anyway.

"Yes dad I'm feeling fine right now. Please tell mum to stop crying" "Yep, I will." "Yes, he is." "Alright love you too, goodbye." As he hung up I closed the door loud enough for him to know I was there.

Looking at his defeated figure made me feel horrible for the way I treated him in the hall. "I'm sorry for yelling at you like I did. I know this isn't your fault. You know how bad I am in stressful situations!" I jokingly pushed him over on the couch and picked up the other end of the duvet he had wrapped around him. He smiled up at me.

"Wanna play video games or something?" His smile grew even wider, hoping I would say yes.

"I would love nothing more than to kick your ass at some prime video games."

We spent the rest of the day laughing and playing games together. I beat him in almost all of them but that didn't stop him from trying to sabotage me every chance he could. It almost felt like everything was normal again. Around 7 I decided to order a pizza and by the time I came back Phil had turned off the TV.

"Do you think we should make a video?" Phil asked.

**Phil's POV**

Dan looked at me for a second with a confused expression on his face. "Do you wanna... Tell them? Shit. I totally forgot about the fans." He sat down next to me and started rubbing his temples.

"Well I don't know if I'm ready to tell them quite yet. We are going to have to do it eventually but I just thought we could film a video for each of our channels because I don't know when we're going to be able to make one next, you know?"

"Honestly, YouTube is the farthest thing from my mind right now but you're probably right. Let's script!"

Neither of us really had any ideas so scripting took forever. The pizza had been delivered and eaten before we had our ideas down. We grabbed the camera and equipment and set up in Dan's bedroom first.

"Hello Internet!" He started, waving gleefully at the camera. "So today I want to talk about grocery shopping."

I watched from behind the camera as he continued filming. I always loved to watch him talking to his fans because he was so happy and in his element. I hoped that if I died, he would continue to make videos and interact with his fans.

When he finished we shifted everything over to my room so that I could make my video. I sat on my bed and did a quick fringe check. I took a deep breath and smiled, determined not to show that anything was wrong.

"Hey guys! So last week I had the most horrific experience of my life." I paused for dramatic effect, making faces at the camera.

I continued telling my story, using large hand gestures and crazy faces, all the while aware that Dan was watching me with a look of love and sadness. I worried that that would be the only way he'd look at me from now on.

When I finished I looked up at him, handing him the camera. "Do you want to upload your footage first?" He was still looking at me but didn't move to grab the camera. "Dan? Either you're going to take the camera or I'm going to use it."

"Oh sorry. Yeah, I'll upload." He grabbed the camera and turned to leave. "Phil?" He spun around when he got to the door.

"Yeah?"

"I was very surprised by how happy you sounded. It was great." He smiled and walked away before I could reply.

I leaned back on my bed and spread my arms over my head. I had almost fallen asleep when I heard Dan start absentmindedly singing in the other room. A familiar rush of warmth filled my body as I listened to him. I loved him more than life itself and I found myself incredibly relieved that it was me who had cancer and not him. I creeped quietly to his door so that I could listen to him better.

"I've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match. What a catch." he sang quietly to himself as he clicked away on the editor. I smiled widely, recognizing the Fall Out Boy song immediately. I closed my eyes, enjoying listening to my boyfriend singing without any other care in the world. Everything was so uncertain now and it scared me, but I knew I had to be strong for Dan. He was gonna need help through this and it was up to me to do that.

He noticed me standing there, then, because he stopped singing and started staring at me. I opened my eyes and chuckled at his embarrassed expression. I bounded over to his chair and gave him a sloppy kiss. "I love you Daniel James Howell!" He laughed and kissed me back. While we were kissing I reached behind him and grabbed the camera off the desk. I waved it in his face as I pulled away. "I only came to get this." I teased him playfully, spinning around and running out.

I heard him laugh. "I hate you Philip Michael Lester!" I smiled and settled in to edit my video.

Once both of our videos were edited and uploaded, I was surprised by how late it was. That was the latest I had stayed up in a month. Dan grabbed my hand and led me to his bedroom. I grinned, excited to sleep in his bed. I took my contacts out and brushed my teeth before sliding in next to him. I heard Dan whisper something to me, but I was already too far gone to hear it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dan's POV**

"I love you lion." I whispered to Phil as he drifted off to sleep. I watched his chest rise and fall for a couple minutes before turning over and picking up my laptop. I googled 'leukemia' and started clicking on random links. I wanted to learn everything I possibly could about Phil's disease. If I was to help him through this I would need to be prepared for what could come next, even if he wasn't.

After reading multiple websites I came across one that talked through the progression of the disease. I felt myself panic as I read about the symptoms that Phil would eventually have to deal with. I began to shake when I saw that acute leukemia was a relatively quick killer. It lowers your immune system so much that you can no longer fight off infections. I imagined that happening to Phil and threw my laptop on to the floor, curling up against him and laying my hand across his chest. I could feel his heartbeat and imagined it pumping his infected blood all over his defenseless body. I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my head into Phil's shoulder, removing my hand from his chest.

I couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry again so I ran out of my bedroom as quietly as possible so I didn't wake him and paced back and forth in the hall.

After a few minutes I found myself in Phil's room. I curled up in his bed and inhaled the scent all around me. I felt safe enveloped in the smell of Phil and I finally fell asleep dreaming of him.

_Phil was running from the darkness. It was catching up fast but he kept going. I tried to scream. I tried to run after him and get him to safety, but I was tied up and all I could do was watch in horror as the darkness took my boyfriend from me. I heard Phil's strangled cries as he disappeared from view. I thrashed my body violently around until the ropes finally let me go. I walked into the space I had last seen Phil just to find my worst nightmare. He was lying motionless on the ground. I began to run, but the more I ran toward him, the farther away he seemed to become. After a while I tripped over my own feet. I lay on the ground panting and crying until I felt a hand touch my shoulder. _

"Dan? Dan wake up!" I jumped when I saw Phil standing over me, eyes flooded with concern. "It was just a nightmare." He sat down on the bed. "Shhh it wasn't real babe." He stroked my arm while I worked on calming my breathing.

When I was successfully under control, I yawned. "What time is it?"

Phil hesitated. "Half past 10. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it was just a dream, like you said. I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "Not really." I didn't want him to know that I was dreaming about losing him. Everything is fucked up enough as it is.

Right then the doorbell rang. "Shit that's probably Chris and PJ!" I had completely forgotten that they were coming.

"That's okay I'll get it. Just get dressed or take a shower or something. I can handle them!" I nodded and jumped out of bed. I was grateful that Phil never asked why I was sleeping in his bed. I decided to skip the shower and pulled on some skinny jeans and my cat shirt instead. I didn't want Phil to have to have the cancer conversation without me so I brushed my teeth as quickly as possible and ran out of the room. I stopped in the kitchen to put the kettle on and slid next to Phil on the couch.

Chris and Phil were in the middle of an intense conversation about whether Sonic could win in a race against the Flash. I looked at PJ who seemed just as lost as I was and we both fell into a fit of hysterical laughter when we made eye contact. It felt so good to laugh and I found myself unable to stop. I heard the conversation end and opened my tear-filled eyes to see everyone staring at me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and chuckled. "Sorry guys I have no idea why I found that funny." We all looked at each other without saying a word. Phil's cancer was lingering in the air but nobody wanted to talk about it. I remembered the kettle I put on and jumped up. "I made tea!" I shuffled out and came back with a tray full of cups, milk, and sugar.

"Thanks Dan!" they all said in unison, grabbing their respective cups.

We sat drinking tea for a few minutes before PJ decided to speak up. "Okay I know that nobody wants to talk about this, but it's definitely important. I need to know what's happening with you Phil. Dan was very vague on the phone."

Phil shifted in his seat. "Well," he started, clearly uncomfortable. "Dan probably told you that I have cancer. Leukemia to be exact. I have to start treatment tomorrow but beyond that I don't really know. I haven't researched it much because I don't actually want to know. But I'll be fine! There's nothing to worry about. Can we just have a nice, normal day?"

I saw Chris furrow his eyebrows. "When you say there's nothing to worry about you do mean that there is everything to worry about, right? I mean, cancer is a big deal, Phil. I don't care how bad it is, this is serious and I don't think you should write it off as nothing."

I knew he had a point but I also knew that Phil was fragile and he hated being sick so I decided to intervene on his behalf.

"The truth is, this is beyond serious, but there is nothing we can do right now that isn't already being done and Phil doesn't want to talk about it. If you would like to discuss this further then you can talk to me alone because unlike this idiot over here I did do the research and can answer most of your questions." PJ and Chris nodded and Phil gave me a grateful look before standing up.

"Movie time anyone?" He started holding up movies for us to choose from and we finally settled on Narnia. He popped the film in and launched himself at me on the couch. We settled in with his head in my lap and my hand in his hair.

By the time the movie was over Phil was asleep and Chris and PJ had to leave. I shook Phil so he could say goodbye and he gave each of them a quick hug.

"Hey man, good luck tomorrow" PJ said sadly.

"We'll be rooting for you!" Chris smiled, clapping Phil on the back before leading the way out of the flat.

When they were gone I turned to Phil. "It's only 3. What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"I honestly don't care! As long as I'm with you we could be doing anything and I'd be happy."

I suddenly got an idea. "Stay there for a few minutes. I'll be right back!" I ran around the flat, gathering everything I needed for our date and making sure I looked okay after lounging around on the couch. By the time I was pulling Phil out the door it was nearly 4.

"Dan, where are we going?" Phil laughed, stumbling as I ran ahead.

"You'll just have to wait and see!" I sang, glancing back at him struggling to keep up. I slowed to a walk to let him catch up before pointing out our destination. I heard Phil squeal with excitement and then it was me struggling to keep up with him.

Phil ran to the park and jumped on the swings. "Can we swing, Dan? PLEASE?"

"Well seeing as you're already there, let's do it." I put the picnic stuff down and sat in the swing next to him.

"I bet I can swing higher than you!"

"No fair! You started before I did!"

With that we were off, swinging higher and higher with each pump of our legs. When we were as high as the swings could take us I looked over and found that our swings were moving in perfect synchronization. "Look Phil, we're married!"

He giggled. "What are you, 12?"

"You were the one who decided to go on the swings!" I yelled to him, as our swings started swinging out of sync again.

"Touché." Phil pointed to me, taking his hand off the swing for a split second. I knew that was a bad idea the moment I saw it because Phil can barely keep his balance with all of his limbs in use.

I watched in slow motion as Phil slipped off the back of the swing and landed with an audible thud on his back in the mulch. I quickly jumped off my swing and ran over to him, terrified of what I might find.

He was shaking horribly and I was about to call the ambulance when I realized that he was laughing! I shook my head and before I knew it, I was sitting next to Phil and we were both crying with laughter. I buried my head in his shirt to try to calm myself, but the feeling of his rib cage violently moving with each fit of laughter only made me laugh harder.

After both of our laughter subsided, I stood up and helped Phil to his feet. "You are the clumsiest person I know." I shook my head in disbelief as he winced and rubbed his side.

"Yeah, yeah. What was the reason you dragged me to this death trap in the first place?" He smiled as he said it but the word 'death' made me tense up and I knew he could sense it. "You know what I mean." He added quickly. I nodded to show him that I was fine.

I held up the picnic basket in triumph and made a grand display of shaking out the blanket and placing it under the shade of a tree. I sat myself on one side and seductively patted the other side of the blanket. Phil chuckled but did as he was told and plopped down next to me.

"I thought you could use a change of scenery." I said. "Well actually, I was just sick of being inside so I decided to force you to come out with me." I admitted, looking at his eyes sparkling in the sun.

"You know you don't have to force me to come out." Phil winked. It took me a second to realize what he was talking about but when I did I started laughing again.

"Yeah I know lion, but I'm not ready." I sighed sadly. I don't know why I am afraid to tell our fans that we are a couple but I just am. I know that half of them ship us anyways and would probably love it if we were together, but I also want to keep at least one thing to myself. My relationship with Phil is the most important thing in the world to me. If I had to choose between having the internet and having Phil, I would choose Phil every time. That kind of love scares the hell out of me and I'm afraid that if I tell our fans, it would become so much more real and there would be a ton of pressure for us to have to stay together. I don't think we'll ever break up, but I want to stay with Phil because I love him and because it's my choice, not because random people I've never met love our relationship too much. I've never told him this, of course, but I think he understands anyway.

Phil interrupted my thoughts by leaning in and kissing me. "I know bear I was just making fun! I can wait as long as you want me to." I smiled and kissed him again, not wanting him to pull away yet.

"Okay how about this." I leaned back and he perked up. "I'll come out publicly about our relationship only after you've successfully beaten cancer's ass."

Phil smiled. "Fair enough. I'll have to try extra hard now. But can we eat the food you brought? I'm starving!"

I had almost forgotten about the food but I pulled out the sandwiches and the bags of crisps and gave Phil his.

We ate without talking for about an hour until I broke the silence. "It's getting pretty dark out. Do you want to go home? Are you cold?" I could visibly see him shivering so I knew he was lying when he shook his head.

"I'm fine, I just want to spend more time here with you. Lord knows when we'll be able to do this again."

"When you are allowed to come home from the hospital I promise we will do this again. But for now we can go cuddle inside." He seemed reassured by my answer because he suddenly stood up.

"I was actually lying before. I'm freezing. Can we go?" I laughed and packed up the things we hadn't eaten and rolled up the blanket.

"Yes, we can. I'm getting pretty cold myself. It's this bloody winter weather. I love it but the nights literally make me feel like hell has frozen over."

Phil rolled his eyes. "It doesn't LITERALLY do that."

I smirked at him. "Yes, it LITERALLY does." We both giggled as we made our way home. I looked down at Phil's hand dangling at his side. I wanted to reach out and hold it in my own so badly but I knew I couldn't do that in public so I switched my focus to the ground in front of me and put my hands in my pockets, anxiously waiting to get home.

As soon as we closed the door to the flat and were out of the public eye, I was all over Phil, kissing him and running my hands through his hair. I pushed him onto the sofa and shoved my mouth against his, parting his lips and slipping my tongue in. He kissed me back passionately and wrapped his arms around my neck.

We stayed like that for a while, breaking only for air. Eventually Phil pulled away and gently pushed me off of him. "Dan, I love you and I wish we could stay like that forever, but I'm really tired. Can we just watch something on the TV and then go to bed?"

"Of course!" I rolled over and reached for the remote, turning on the TV. We decided on watching the Apprentice, which Phil had been obsessed with lately and he shifted so that his head was resting on my lap. I knew it wouldn't be long before he was fast asleep so I kissed his head and started stroking his hair. I settled in to watch the show but before I knew it I was drifting off too. My last thought was that this was the best day I had had in a long time and I never wanted it to end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil's POV**

I woke up the next day still on the sofa. Dan had shifted during the night and his head was now only inches from mine. I smiled and sat up groggily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I put my glasses on and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. I knew we would have to leave for the hospital soon but I decided not to think of that and just mindlessly make pancakes. I burnt the first 2 batches and smiled, imagining that this was how our Sim, Dil Howlter, must always feel when he cooks. The third batch turned out well enough and I put them on plates before deciding to wake Dan.

I turned round to go to the sitting room and screamed, running head first into Dan. "Oi, watch it pancake man!" he yelled, a smile creeping onto his face.

I groaned, "please tell me you did not see my horrible attempts at making pancakes." I buried my head in my hands.

Dan grabbed both my hands and tilted my head up. "I watched every single attempt and I've got to say... You should let me make them from now on."

"You wouldn't be any better!" I challenged, defending my flapjacks.

I turned up my nose at him and grabbed the plates from the counter "If you aren't gonna be nice then you can't have any!"

Dan laughed, "I'll be nice I promise! Please don't take away my privilege of eating Phil Lester's famous 3rd try pancakes."

"Ouch, that hurt." I grabbed my heart and pretended to be insulted.

Dan smiled but it quickly disappeared as he looked around the kitchen. "Jesus Phil, can you at least try to close the cabinets?" He went around slamming every cupboard door that I had opened this morning.

I chuckled at his frustration. "I'm sorry Dan, but I don't think I'll ever be able to change."

"And that's okay," he leaned in and kissed me. "I don't actually want you to change, except maybe just a few habits." I laughed as we both knew that would never happen.

"Oh my god!" Dan suddenly exclaimed, looking at the time. "Phil, we need to get going or we'll be late." I sighed, dragging my feet as he shuffled around getting everything ready.

When we arrived at the hospital they explained what was going to happen and hooked me up for the induction/chemo treatment. Dan rarely left my side and he was surprisingly good about keeping my mind off of what was happening. I didn't feel ill during the first day of treatment which made Dan and I both very happy.

That night I tried to make Dan go home and sleep in his own bed but he refused. "Phil, if you think I'm going to leave you alone in this hell-hole you are sorely mistaken."

"You're going to have to leave eventually. You can't stay here all week!"

"Try me." He turned on the TV and began flipping through the channels. After a while I found myself becoming incredibly tired so I allowed my eyelids to droop and fell asleep.

**Dan's POV**

A nurse came in to check on Phil every 4 hours and, while I appreciated the vigilance, all I wanted was to get a solid amount of sleep and I know Phil felt the same.

At around 6 in the morning a different nurse walked in. "Hi there Phil!" She smiled at him before nodding in my direction. I sat up, groaning and massaging my back. The sofa beds they have at the hospital are anything but comfortable.

I walked over to Phil and shook him to wake him up. He started groaning and I figured he was just being stubborn so I crossed my arms and stared at him. "Philip Lester, you are going to wake up right now so that this lady can check you, you numpty." At that Phil's eyes shot open and I could see that he had been trying to not cry, but now it all came out in a small, strangled scream. I began panicking. "Phil? You okay? What's wrong? Talk to me!"

The nurse kindly told me to get out of the way and I quickly did as I was told. She propped Phil up so he was sitting and swiftly put a bucket in front of him. He proceeded to throw up the entire contents of his stomach while I watched in disgust. I knew that I should be the one rubbing Phil's back while he puked, not the nurse, but my feet felt glued to the ground.

When he finished the nurse took the basin to wash it out and I slowly made my way to Phil's bed. "You alright babe?"

"Ughh," Phil moaned. "I feel like death."

"I'm so sorry lion. I wish you didn't have to go through this."

"Can you lay next to me?" Phil asked. I didn't need much convincing as I wanted nothing more than to cuddle with him. I helped him scoot over and I slipped under the covers next to him. He laid his head on my chest and we settled in to sleep for the rest of the morning.

Phil was in the hospital for a week before his treatments were over and he was allowed to go home. The doctor told us that at this point the biggest threat to Phil is his weakened immune system. I went home for the first time the day before he was scheduled to check out in order to do some thorough clean up. I bought air purifiers and extra strong antibacterial soap and went to work. I moved from room to room vacuuming and cleaning absolutely everything. I made the house cleaner than the hospital. When Phil finally came home he had to wear a mask every time he was outside but as soon as he came inside we could dispose of the mask and everything either of us were wearing was put straight into the laundry. I didn't think I could be too careful. I took a shower just about every time I went out, which wasn't actually very often because I never wanted to leave Phil.

About 3 days after Phil was released from the hospital I decided to make a video.

"You don't want me to be in it, do you?" Phil asked, concern spreading over his face.

"No of course not! I won't even mention you. I just think the fans need to see that we're alive and still making videos. We haven't posted anything for a few weeks now. I'll just make a generic video about something stupid. Maybe a gaming video too."

"Dan, I really don't feel like playing games." Phil had been tired practically constantly since the chemo. I knew it was to be expected but it was still kind of annoying. I was sick of not doing anything.

"I didn't say you had to be in the video, Phil. I'll just say you went up to your parent's house or something. I could play some more Pokemon because you weren't in that series anyway."

"Alright, whatever." Phil pouted, sinking lower on the sofa.

"What do you want me to do? I'm stuck in this house all day every day with nothing to do but take care of you and we have a JOB, Phil. I do still want to have money you know. Just because you're sick doesn't mean my life has to stop too." I regretted saying that as soon as it came out of my mouth. I closed my mouth quickly and watched the back of Phil's head as he stared at the blank TV. I didn't really expect him to respond because when we argue or he gets angry he just silently stews, as opposed to me, who just yells stupid things at the people I love.

After a couple seconds I was about to walk out of the room but Phil decided to speak. "You know you don't have to stay here." He said slowly and eerily calm. "I don't need you. I'm 27 years old I can take care of myself. I don't care what you do. Nobody asked you to care for me." I almost wished he hadn't said anything. I could feel the tears heat up behind my eyes and I stormed out of the room before they could fall. I slammed my door and laid down on my bed.

I really didn't want to talk to Phil, so I grabbed my camera and started filming. It felt so natural to be videoing again and it made me much happier than I thought it would. I realized that I hadn't tweeted or been on any social media since Phil went to the hospital so I pulled out my phone and apologized for the absence. I said nothing about Phil in my tweet or my video but the absence was totally obvious.

I was right in the middle of editing when I heard an audible gasp followed by a small cry coming from the sitting room. I immediately jumped out of my chair, totally forgetting about the fight with Phil, and ran as fast as I could into the sitting room. I frantically looked around for the source of the noise and when I finally found him I froze, not knowing what to do or say.


	4. Chapter 4

**Phil's POV**

Dan ran out of the room and I could tell he was about to cry. I sighed and slumped into the browsing indent in our sofa. I couldn't get thoughts of Dan out of my head. I was a shit boyfriend and I knew it. He deserved someone much better than me but he can't see that. Even if he did, he would never leave me. He's too nice. I ran my hands through my hair and froze, feeling a bit of it fall out as I did. I frantically grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled, praying it would remain attached to my scalp.

It didn't.

I sat there holding a massive clump of my own hair in my hand and all I wanted to do was cry and let Dan hold me. I knew he was angry and probably wouldn't even come out of his room, but at that point I didn't care. I stared at the black mess in my hand before slowly reaching up and tugging yet another piece of hair to make sure it wasn't just a dream. When that part came out too I lost it. I started sobbing into a pillow next to me and dropped my hair all over the floor.

I violently hit the couch with my fist. Why was this happening to me? I could have pretending everything was fine until this happened. Now there is physical evidence that my body is failing me.

I felt another wave of sobs coming up my throat when a pair of skinny arms wrapped themselves around me and held me close.

I let go of the pillow and clung on to Dan's shirt for dear life, my tears soaking through the fabric. We sat like that for a long time, me crying and Dan soothing me, promising that everything would be okay.

After a while I stopped crying and shifted away from Dan, noticing the significant stain I left on his shirt. I wiped my eyes and looked down at my hands.

"I'm so sorry." I wasn't sure if I heard him right but as soon as I looked up I knew I had. He looked so miserable.

"Don't be sorry." I said. "It's my fault. To be honest I have no idea why I was mad. You should be making videos and living your life. I think I was just jealous because I can't make a video and pretend everything is fine because it would be way too obvious that it's not." Dan moved closer to me and kissed my lips.

"You know that no matter what you say to me I will never leave you. I'm here till the end."

I smiled sadly. "Even if I go bald?" I motioned to the pile of hair on the floor.

"I'd love you if all of your hair grew back on your face."

I laughed and made a face. "I would rather go bald," I decided.

"We do have to talk about this, though."

"Talk about what?" I really didn't want to talk about anything. I wanted to sleep.

"Your hair. And the fans." I was afraid he was going to say that but I knew he was right. I settled in and looked at him expectantly. "I will do anything you want to, but you need to make the decisions."

I sighed. "I literally have no idea what to do. I mean, I want them to know. I don't like keeping this from everyone, but I know that as soon as I tell them it will be the biggest shit storm we've ever had and there will be so many rumors and I just don't feel ready for all that."

"I totally get that. They will probably have to know eventually, though, especially if..." He trailed off but we both knew what he was going to say. *If you die.*

I ignore his statement and keep going. "As for the hair, it looks horrible and patchy. Especially if I do this." I pulled out another clump of hair and let it fall with the others. "I don't want to be bald but it would be better to shave it all, I think, than to let it look like this." I pointed to my head and tears started silently streaming down my face. I knew it was just hair but it felt like more. It felt like the cancer was taking away part of what made me me and I hated it.

"Don't cry Phil. We'll do it together." With that he got up and left the room. I heard rummaging and then he came back with an electric shaver in his hand.

I laughed at how ridiculous he looked. "Why on earth do you just happen to have a shaver lying around?" I asked, amusement spreading across my face.

"It's a long story for another day." He replied, plugging it into the wall behind me.

"Is this the point where you offer to shave your head in solidarity?" I looked up at him and smiled when I saw his eyes fill with terror. "I'm only joking." I quickly added, before his eyes popped out of his head. He relaxed slightly. "I like your hair too much to want it shaved off. I need to have something to straighten!"

Dan started humming as he shaved my head. I closed my eyes and listened to the noises of the razor combined with Dan's singing and tried to block out what was happening to my hair.

After about 15 minutes I heard a gasp and my eyes flung open. "Phil, you look great bald! It should be your new look." He handed me a mirror and I felt my eyes start to heat up again.

"I look like an ugly alien, Dan. There is nothing good looking about this."

"That's totally not true." I ignored him and walked to my bedroom. I rummaged through the drawers to find a hat but I found none that I actually wanted to wear. I walked back out feeling defeated but when I saw Dan my face lit up. He was holding his furry eskimo hat in his hand and smiling at me. I ran over to him and stuffed the hat onto my head. Dan laughed and kissed me.

"I love this hat!" I kissed him back as a thank you and sat back on the couch, feeling exhausted from that sudden burst of energy. I laid my head down and pulled the duvet cover around me until it covered all but the very top of my head. I heard Dan sigh and sit next to me. I knew he was getting sick of sitting on the couch but I didn't know how to help him feel more productive.

Suddenly I had an idea. I poked my head out from under the duvet. "Why don't you do a live show right now?"

"Seriously?" Dan looked down at me surprised.

"Yeah!" I'll be basically sleeping and you'll be bored so do a live show and make your fans happy."

"But," he paused, "what do I tell them about you? I can't ignore the subject the whole hour!"

I thought for a moment. "Just tell them I was visiting my parents and that I came home not feeling very well. You can tell them that I'm sleeping if they ask you to get me."

Dan nodded and I think he said something but I was already drifting off to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of Dan's laughter. It took me a second to remember that he was doing a live show but when I did I opened my eyes and smiled. He was so beautiful and happy and he was all mine. I sat up and waved at him even though I knew he wouldn't acknowledge me while doing a show. It was all part of the plan to keep our relationship a secret. I had been trying to get Dan to go public with it for well over a year now but I've given up. I thought about the promise he made to me about coming out when I'm better and I felt myself get excited at the thought.

I was staring at Dan when I noticed him tense up. I could tell he was about to get angry about something and I wanted to tell him to calm down, but that would give away my location.

Before I could make a decision he started his rant.

"Okay, I'm only gonna say this once. Some asshole just commented, saying 'Phil probably isn't posting anymore because he realized how worthless he is compared to Dan.' Seriously? Phil has a lot of stuff going on right now. If he was quitting YouTube he would've told you and he sure as hell wouldn't do it because he thinks I'm better than him! Phil is literally one of the most creative people I have ever met and half of my video ideas were developed by him, not me. And before you all turn this into one big Phan shitstorm just know that I would defend any of my friends, not just Phil."

I opened my mouth to say something but I closed it immediately. I decided I'd better stay out of it.

"Right," Dan laughed "moving on, what did you guys think of-"

"Tell them." I don't know why I said that, but it was too late to go back now.

"What?" Dan looked totally shocked as he stared at me. "Are you sure? You don't have to do this just because of one troll."

"No, I do. I can't hide forever."

"Alright then, do you want me to bring the laptop over there?"

I shook my head and stood up, slowly making my way to where Dan was sitting. I pulled the hat lower on my head and leaned into the shot. "Hello Dan's viewers!" I said enthusiastically. "You all are probably noticing that something's a little bit off about me and you would be right. But-" I held up my finger for emphasis, "you guys have to promise me that you won't make a big deal out of this until I have time to make a proper video explaining everything." I looked down at the chat and saw a ton of people commenting that they promise, some mentioned the hat, others noticed my lack of hair, and I saw a few who said they were worried about me. "There's no need to worry, guys, but a couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with leukemia." Immediately the chat blew up and I could hear my phone begin to go crazy with all the alerts. "I will explain everything in a video that's going to go up very soon, but just don't believe anything you read or hear unless it comes directly from either me or Dan. I'm not dying so you don't have to worry! I'm gonna leave Dan to finish his live show while I go make us some dinner!"

I walked out of the frame again but didn't go to the kitchen. I slumped back into the spot I was previously in and closed my eyes.

"Well," I could still hear Dan talking. "Looks like it's safe to say Phil effectively ended the happy mood my show was in. I think I'll leave it here for this week guys. It's been fun chatting with you all! Byeee"

He ended the call and put his laptop to the side. "Well that was surprising."

"I'm sorry I just wanted to get it out there." I peeked through my eyelids to see Dan rubbing his face.

"No need to apologize, it's your choice! I was just not expecting you to tell them. Now you're going to have to make that video like tomorrow."

"Yep. Can you help me script it? I don't even know what to say."

"I don't think this is a video that you can script, Phil. You have to just set up the camera and start talking. I can help you edit it later but I think you should film it on your own. Just try not to make your fans worry too much. You need them right now!"

"This is definitely going to be the biggest shitstorm EVER." I laughed and stood up.

"It'll be one for the books." Dan agreed. "Where are you going?"

"I think I'm going to go to sleep. Let's do something fun tomorrow!" I kissed him and walked to my room. I changed my clothes and slipped into bed. I realized that I was still wearing Dan's hat but I wasn't ready to take it off yet so I pulled it tighter on my head and fell asleep.

**Dan's POV**

After Phil went to bed I decided to go online. I knew he probably wouldn't want to for a while but I needed to know what people were saying.

Just as I expected, our fans were all confused, worried, and loud. #getbetterphil was the number 1 trending hashtag worldwide on Twitter and most people were very supportive of Phil. There were the trolls who claimed that Phil was only trying to get attention but I tried ignoring those.

After a half hour I switched over to tumblr and the first post I saw made me cry.

_Dear Dan,_

_My name is Genevieve Freider and I've been watching you for years. Last year my husband passed away from cancer and I am so sorry to hear about Phil's diagnosis. I know you guys aren't dating but he's your best friend and I need you to know that it's alright to not be okay. Right now people are all probably asking about Phil and wanting to know how he's feeling and what's happening with him but they leave you out. I know you aren't okay but not everyone thinks about us. We're the ones who get left behind. If you ever need to talk, please email me at GDFreider . _

After taking note of her email address, I closed the laptop and sighed, sinking deeper into the couch. I wasn't okay by any standards and seeing Phil's hair fall out killed me inside. I didn't know what he meant by having a fun day tomorrow but I decided I'd better get some sleep. I tossed and turned all night, my mind not able to shut out the horrible thoughts swirling around.

By 8 in the morning I couldn't fall back to sleep anymore. I groaned and looked over at Phil, enjoying watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful the way he slept, with his fringe covering his face and his tongue sticking out slightly. I kissed his forehead before sneaking out of bed, careful not to wake him up.

2 hours later, I was serving Phil pancakes while we sat on the sofa watching a new anime he discovered. This was always my favorite part of the day because I could cuddle with Phil all I wanted to and I felt so peaceful.

After the episode we were watching finished, Phil switched off the TV.

"Hey!" I complained, "what'd you do that for? I wanted to watch another."

My whining didn't help and Phil rolled his eyes. "Dan, do you know what the date is?"

I thought for a second. "Umm no? I actually haven't looked at the calendar in a surprisingly long time."

"Yeah, I didn't think so." I almost asked him what he meant by that but he continued before I got the chance. "It's December 20th. Christmas is in 5 days and neither of us have done anything. We have no tree, no presents, and no idea what we are doing when it comes to our families."

"I can't believe it's so late in the year. That's crazy!" I shook my head. I don't even really remember it becoming winter I've been so caught up with the mess that is my life.

"Yep, so I was thinking we should go shopping today. We've barely left the house and I could do with some more festivity around here and a bloody change of scenery would be nice."

I opened my mouth to tell him that he should stay home and I would do the shopping for both of us but he stopped me before I got a word out.

"I know what you're thinking Dan and my answer is no. I want to leave the apartment. I promise I'll wear a mask even though I'll look like an alien from Doctor Who if that's what it'll take for you to let me get the hell out of here!"

I flinched at his tone of voice. Phil only curses like that when something is seriously bothering him. I knew that he would leave no matter what I said about it so I decided that it would be better for him to go out when I can keep an eye on him. "You'll need to bundle up before I let you anywhere near the door. It's literally freezing outside and if you catch a cold I'll kill you myself."

Phil's smile lit up the room as he ran to his bedroom to change out of his pajamas. I laughed as I went to my bedroom to get ready myself.

30 minutes later Phil was by the door, jumping up and down like it was already Christmas. I handed him a mask and rolled my eyes. "Come on you numpty, let's go."

He practically bounded down the stairs, taking them 2 at a time. I launched myself at him when I reached the bottom and he pulled me into a tight embrace. We kissed and started to walk down the street hand in hand. It took a couple people staring at us for me to remember that we were in public again. "Shit!" I exclaimed under my breath and yanked my hand out of Phil's, leading to a string of protests. "We can't do this here, Phil. I want to, you know I do, but we can't."

"We can't? Or you don't want me to ruin your reputation?" I could feel the hurt in Phil's voice as he stared at his feet.

I couldn't think of a good enough response so we walked the rest of the way in silence.

When we got to the town centre I finally broke it. "What do you want to get first? We still have our fake tree that we can put up so we don't need to buy one of those. We need gifts for our family, our friends, and each other."

"Can we also get some more baubles for the tree? I felt like it was a bit lacking last year."

"Sure! Let's take care of-" I was interrupted by a scream behind us. I knew what was coming and immediately looked at Phil. His eyes were wide and he was staring at me with burning eyes.

"Dan I can't let them see me in this mask. It's so embarrassing!" He reached up to take off the mask and I panicked, pushing him into the nearest store I could find and turned to find myself face-to-face with 2 teenage girls.

"Oh my GOD!" One of the squeeled. I smiled as best I could and hugged both of them before casting a hurried glance at the store I dropped Phil in.

"I can't believe I'm actually meeting THE Dan Howell!" The other girl said, covering her mouth like she was about to cry. Crying is the last thing I needed. Then I would feel like even more of an ass for what I was about to do.

"I'm sorry but I don't have time to talk to you right now. I'm a little busy." I turned and ran into the store, grabbing Phil by the hood of his jacket and shuffling him out and down the street.

"Woah calm down speedy pants." Phil laughed, breaking free from my grip.

I felt the familiar knot in my stomach that I always get when I'm rude to fans. Phil has always been better and interacting with them than I am, mainly because there isn't a mean bone in that boy's body.

We spent countless hours shopping for our parents, Chris, and PJ. We finally made it to an actual Christmas store and I heard Phil cry out with joy when he entered. In less than a second he had ran to a tree in the corner and was frantically waving his arms for me to follow.

"Dan. Just LOOK at these baubles!" I shook my head at the tree he had brought me to. It was full of the tackiest animal baubles I had ever seen. "They have a BADGER one! Oh and- OH MY GOD it's a capybara!" I rolled my eyes but smiled at how happy he was.

We left the store with about 10 new baubles for our tree, but Phil was 100 times happier, which was the real highlight of my day. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice Phil had stopped and I walked straight into him.

"We need to spilt up now." Phil suddenly demand.

"What? Why?"

"I need to buy your presents silly!"

"Oh alright! Meet me at Starbucks in an hour?"

He nodded and bounded off down the street while I turned to go the opposite direction.


	5. Chapter 5

**Phil's POV**

Just as Dan asked, I was sat in the back of Starbucks an hour later, my arms full of gifts for him. I waited a few more minutes for him to arrive before I went to the counter and ordered drinks for both of us. By the time I got them and returned to the table, Dan was already sitting.

"So can I see what's in those bags?" Dan joked as I set the coffee down in front of him.

"What do you think?" I asked, mockingly stroking one of the bags.

"I'm guessing that'll be a no, then." I nodded before reaching up to remove my mask.

"Woah, woah, woah, what are you doing?" Dan asked.

"I can't drink coffee with a mask in the way Dan." I huffed, hoping that he would see how obvious that was.

He didn't.

"I don't care, Phil. You are not taking that mask off while we are still in the land of infestations. You don't know how many germs there are floating around all over the place!"

"Alright, so how am I supposed to drink this if I can't take off the mask?"

"Don't drink it yet. We'll bring it home with us and drink it there." When I didn't say anything he stood up and grabbed his coat. "Come on, let's go."

I was properly angry now. Dan had no right to tell me how to live my life. I know he just cared about me but I didn't need to be treated like a child. I knew it was wrong and probably really stupid but I grabbed the mask and ripped it off while Dan was too far away to stop me. His eyes grew wide and I made a point of slowly sipping the coffee, even though it was burning my tongue, and stood up to lead the way out.

Dan's face turned bright red and he ran after me, spinning me around when he reached me.

I finally faced him and I could see that his eyes were brimming with tears. Immediately I felt horrible and I went to put the mask back on but I had ripped it right down the middle when I took it off.

"That was a really idiotic move, Phil." Dan said quietly. "Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself? If you get sick because of this I don't know what I'd do." He sniffled. "I want- No, I NEED you to get better and beat this cancer, but you can't do that if you don't even try. You might have very little regard for your life but I don't. I won't be able to live without you, Phil, so just think of that before you do something like that again." I was crying by that point so he stopped and squeezed my shoulders quickly before starting the walk home.

Neither of us said a word the rest of the way but walking up the stairs to our flat proved to be very challenging for me. I didn't realize how much this outing had tired me out until I was about half way up the stairs. I stopped and sat down, putting my head between my hands.

"Phil?" I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see a very concerned Dan watching me, his deep brown eyes resting on mine. "Do you need help up the rest of the way?"

"No I'm fine!" I tried to act cheery, determined to show Dan that I could take care of myself. I continued to slowly make my way up the stairs. When we got to the last couple of steps my vision started to go black around the edges and I grasped the railing to keep myself from falling over.

"Stop being silly, Philly" Dan reached under my arms and basically carried me into the apartment and sat me down on the couch while he dropped the bags in the appropriate rooms.

I was feeling much better by the time he came back in the sitting room and clapped his hands. "Alright I let you get away with it for this long because you almost passed out, but it's time to shower and wash these clothes." I groaned loudly. "Don't whine, just strip!"

At his last comment I bursted out laughing. "That's not my favourite way to be told to strip. Try it again." I winked, making him blush brightly and grab my waist. He pulled my shirt over my head and slid his hands up along my bare chest. I hooked my fingers in the belt loops of his black skinnies and shoved my lips against his.

He tasted like fresh coffee, which made me kiss him even harder. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and I willingly accepted it. As I began grinding my hips against his I heard him moan. "Want to share the shower?" I whispered in his ear seductively before taking off the rest of my clothes and running to the bathroom. I heard him squeal and run after me.

A couple hours later Dan was fast asleep on his bed and I was sitting next to him browsing the web. I realized I had promised a video about my cancer and inwardly cursed myself for even telling them about it.

I slipped out of Dan's room, heading for my own. After getting set up I turned on the camera with the intent of just letting it roll while I went, hoping to get at least some usable footage.

I did the opening of the video about 50 times before getting fed up and diving straight into the heart of the issue.

**Dan's POV**

I woke up feeling happier than I had in a month. Instinctively I reached over to Phil's side of the bed and was surprised to find it cold. I sat up and was about to call his name when I heard his voice through the wall. I pressed my ear up to listen.

"I hope you found this video to be informative and that it has eased your worry a bit. I don't know when my next video will be but hopefully it's soon!" I smiled and made my way over to his room, stopping to make sure he was really done filming before knocking and walking in.

"Hey babe! How'd the filming go?"

"Fine." He shrugged, looking tired.

"Alright." My smile faded a bit. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yep. Fine." Phil stood up and brushed past me on his way out of the room. I sighed and followed him. I could tell he was either feeling very poorly or he was just in a bad mood. I strongly hoped it was the latter one.

"Please tell me what's wrong lion." I stood behind him and snaked my arm around his waist.

"I'm just really tired and I still have to edit my video and I really don't want to but I promised it would be done and all I want to do is go to sleep."

I spun Phil around and could see he was close to tears. His eyes were sagging and his face looked defeated. "Aw Phil don't worry about it. You go to bed and let me edit your video. You would've shown it to me anyway so I'm basically just taking out the middle step."

I pulled him close to me and hugged him tightly. "Thanks Dan." He whispered, burying his face into my neck.

Eventually I pulled away and led him into his bedroom, helping him change and tucking him into bed.

I leaned over and kissed his forehead before grabbing the camera to take it to my editing computer. On my way out I turned around to say something to Phil but he was already fast asleep, cuddling up with his duvet. I smiled and closed the door.

It took me a few hours more than usual to get Phil's video edited for a couple reasons. I wanted it to be perfect because I knew how much it meant to him, but also because I kept rewatching certain clips over and over again, admiring his beauty and taking in his words. He was so sincere and honest. I knew how much he was hurting but he kept himself composed and his eyes still sparkled. I trusted that he would like the video and I uploaded it before heading to bed myself.


End file.
